Tuesday, December 20, 2005

here's your hat, what's your hurry?

tomorrow is the Shortest Day of the year.

my hat is ready.

i'm really looking forward to the days growing longer. this is not just idle chitchat; i have this screaming seasonal affectation on top of an already serious manic-depression so things have been rough for me lately.

not to mention all of a sudden last july i realized that God exists, so i'm coming up on my first christmas with that on my plate. in my head. heart.

in here, where i live.

i've known about it, yeah. but never understood it and i think i still don't get it, but i keep being amazed and i keep crying in church.

great. i've become a cliché.

and my biggest ambition right now is to finish reading isaiah before saturday, which means i still have to finish ecclesiastes and song of solomon.

i can't just get religion; i have to take it up full-time. i've got a bookbag that just keeps on filling itself up. every time i have a vacancy somebody has something to put into it.

a vacancy. that's what i call it. i have to carry 'round two or three books on christianity, two hymnals and a bible, KJV.

i'm trying to catch up, to get a grip. but weird stuff keeps happening. God has been speaking to me, and i'm pretty sure it's not because my meds need adjusting. Except God only gives half the directions and i have to figure out the rest.

true story: i'm coming home from church and i hear this voice, not my voice, not the voice of me when i'm talking to myself, or when i'm imagining someone i know on the other end of my thinking-out-loud conversation.

and God says:

"you will bring your gifts to that church."

what maybe you should know is that i'm a classically trained musician. i am accustomed to singing in all kinds of choirs. i read well, i have a servicable voice, and good rehearsal practice. i show up on time, warmed up, and with my part learned.

and i do not want to join the church choir. maybe i'll tell you why later, but not now.

so God says to me "you will bring your gifts to that church."
and i say "ok... i'll just settle in and see how i can be of service."
"you will bring your gifts to that church."
"i really don't want to have to join choir... something else."
"you will bring your gifts to that church."
"ok, maybe after christmas. i'd like to just see it once from the pews..."
"you will bring your gifts to that church." God is starting to get tedious.
"ok, now. when i can be of real service."

and God said: "ah."

so sunday for the first time i sang in the choir. it was quite a thing.

and then when i got home, one of my boys needeed to go to the vet. friday he looked like he should see someone maybe monday; it sounded to me like a little bronchitis thing going on.

but sunday afternoon he looks really sick and in the time it takes between making the appointment to the time he gets examined, he looks like he's dying.

and he is. so now i have 50% fewer pets, and it's sunday night and I CAN'T SLEEP! i lay awake all night, all cranked up about the rat in the freezer and about four or five pieces of music that all of a suden i'm going to write even though i've had a compositional dry period of about fifteen years and i think, i just THINK, someone probably mislabeled the decaf after church.

I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE REGULAR COFFEE. it does bad things to me. what happens is even under a heavy load of sedatives, i lay awake very quietly, very relaxed. but i DO lay awake.

all night. and then when i try to go to work in the morning, i get there and then promptly fall asleep standing up.

this can be awkward.

so when it happened to me, they cleared me off to a dark corner and fretted about how to get me home. somebody, i'm told, had the brilliant idea to let me sleep for a while and see what happens.

what happened is that i was out cold until noon, woke up in fine shape and then went home.

i am really looking forward to the days getting longer.

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