open letter to "dave"

hey, dave?

it wasn't so bad today, was it? i know you melted down last time i saw you, so you weren't sure how to make your re-entry. you insisted that i hate you.

"i think only one of us gets to decide whether or not i hate you", i said.

you sat beside me, making editorial comments, quietly returning to that one point. you took it as evidence that i wasn't calling you up to talk to me earlier in the order. and just as quietly, firmly, patiently i kept explaining to you that i was calling whoever's name was on top of my stack.

you kept up with the comments, but as time went on i felt that you meant it less. you were uncoiling some. the truth is that i love you. you don't feel it and i don't think you'd believe it, but i hope that in time you'll come to know it as surely as you know anything.

and i'm sorry about your meltdown. i know now that it was a case of misplaced anger; it wasn't originally me you were angry at, but then when you tried to tell me about it, i didn't really hear you.

my fault. i realize that i was on my lunch break, trying to eat and get back to class, but ultimately my allegiance has to be to you and not to my own lunch. i failed you in that moment and i'm sorry. we both paid for it later. maybe i'll learn something from this. maybe i'll get some insight about how to talk to you, how to make you feel welcome and loved, safe and enfolded.

so. i'll see you again in a day or two. i'll try really hard to be patient and meet you where you are.

believe.