Friday, November 05, 2010

commuter fares to hell

i was going to call it "hell and back", because i have been to hell recently but i can't quite find my way back.

it's like i have a commuter pass, only there's a transit strike while i'm still out there and nobody i know has a car that isn't in the shop.

there's no undoing the Very Bad Thing; you cannot un-know what you know, at least not selectively and for most of the things in my life i don't wish i had never done them even if they hurt, because they make me who i am, and i know what brain damage does to your memory and what memory loss does in your life and i wish something big would come and rub this whole last week right out of my head.

that moment in which i got run over by a truck on route two, that hurt. nearly freezing to death on the mountain, that hurt a lot. the subsuming pain when they turn the med lock and the chemical flows into your veins and you know it's coming and you promised yourself that THIS time you were just going to take it silently and bravely is bad enough, but what hurts about it is knowing that you're only going to do it again in a day or two. that mind-bogglingly bad moment in which i got the news my pastor was leaving our church AND my supervisor came to get my keys when my twenty-year career came to an end, THAT was pain.

THIS, this Very Bad Thing goes so far beyond my scope of what i know how to deal with that i don't even know how to lift my head.


Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

While there are not words that I can write here to make you feel better I do know that if you write words and purge it does it ever so little at a time.

I lost my job after 24 years and I have been spinning every since. Then my husband lost his 6 months later. It's hell. It's scary. We are barely getting by. At our advanced age we aren't sure what to do. I never realized I put so much of my identity into what I did. So I am trying to learn from that. Not easy.

I hope and pray that your new pastor will be as comforting as your old one and that you will find work that feeds your soul.

(((Cyber hugs)))

flask said...

peg, i'm used to the idea that i'll probably never hold a regular job again, and the pastor of my new church (it's been over a year) is very good, yes.

but no, i never do get to talk about the Very Bad Thing because i just can't. even saying that there WAS a Very Bad Thing is pushing it, and i can't even tell you why without tipping the hand.



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