Monday, May 29, 2006



i was extricated after one lap. and given a little talk about how i should have registered as a beginner.

but last year i won sport; you're not supposed to bump down.


anyway, i was wrong: the state championships have moved AGAIN and i think they're at mt. snow, home of both nationals and the world-class, planetarily famous naked crit.

they're serious about that. it's a standard short course dirt crit in which you are allowed to wear only socks, shoes, and a heart rate monitor. if you are a woman the crowd will boo you if you try to wear your transmitter over your nipples. not that it should make that much difference, unless you have little to show anyway, in which case i don't know what the point is.

i don't know any of this firsthand; i have never been to mt. snow for any races, clothed or otherwise. the crit sounds to me like an excellent way to get dirt and sticks in places where you might not want them.

i ride what is called a "relief saddle", so the idea of riding a dirt track is all the more daunting to me.

i first found out about this august event while i was on the lawn waiting for my start at the eastern cup one year and this woman i didn't know came tearing up to me , announcing that pictures of her from the naked crit had just been posted online.

i'm stuck there. my friends are all backing slowly away, making no sudden moves. and i'm getting an education.

anyway, i think it's been three whole days since i was suicidal; that's quite a thing. today i had a moment in which i was uncomfortable and i am so accustomed to simply falling back on suicide thoughts that i couldn't cope. didn't know what to do with it. what could i put in its place?

boggles the mind.

tomorrow my brother in law will come pick me up to take me to the hospital. i am listening to They Might Be Giants, only the coolest band on the planet. i have to go talk to bob now. you come, too.


deanne said...

O my friend, well, OK, I haven't earned that yet, but I'm feeling generous so I'll give myself the benefit of the doubt today,

I deeply regret a wacky extended weekend in which I haven't been here since Thursday. But I prayed for you every day, of course. And by every day, in general I mean "several times throughout the day and evening, plus the candle(s) at the very end of my day." And by of course, I mean God wouldn't let me forget you even if I wanted to, which I don't imagine I ever shall. Sometimes I get the feeling I need to pray for you RIGHT NOW. So I do...I don't really get it, but I do it faithfully anyway. I mean, he knows what you need. Why does me talking about it to him, when I don't know what you need, make any difference? But whatever. It's the least I can do, considering how much inspiration and blessing I derive from you.

(I have decided I can't call him bob with you. Not that I think you mind. I have found most bobs to be very unique, often creatively gifted, guys you can trust with your life. But while I have actually known and loved several bobs [as spiritual brothers, and an uncle], and while I savor their memories, they're not your bob. So I'll call him God since that's been working out pretty well for me.)

Anyway, when I read about times in which you've suffered, I feel an almost desperate longing to be able to relieve some of it, even for a little while, even in retrospect. I guess that makes me some kinda would-be megalomaniac. But all I know to do is to keep praying for you, and keep tabs on you here. To this, I remain committed.

Thanks for sharing some of what you wrote to rumblestrip. I so totally relate to so much of it.

Please, please don't ever go, not til God does the going for you. I know nothing I say has worth compared to the encouragement of your tried and true friends. But as if you couldn't tell, I am a throw my two cents in kinda woman. So let me just chime in that you are so important to me, and if this blog suddenly ended I would always wonder what had happened and where you were and what you were doing, and be sad that I didn't know. My world would be so much darker without you in it.

I thank God for the moments you have had recently in which suicide was not even a side topic. I pray for many more of them for you. In my experience, replacing suicidal thinking with an alternative line of thought is one of the most challenging, but ultimately healing, parts of coming out of that place. It must seem strange to people who have never been suicidal that it's such a hard habit to break. But it is, maybe as tough as quitting smoking. I've done both, so I know.

a candle for your strength
a candle for your perseverance
a candle for your patience (such a better day is coming, but don't rush it)

If there isn't chocolate in heaven I am going to be so ticked off. Even if arriving there is the big Ah-Hah! I think it is and it makes total sense why there's no chocolate there, I am still right now claiming a moment to grieve that revelation, should it occur.

But maybe being there with God, in a way we can't be with him here, is like tasting the best chocolate with your very soul.

peace & love,

skipper said...

I'm sorry you didn't make it but you however are making in a more important way! 3 whole days! WOW! Be so proud of yourself for hanging on. I hope today went a bit better and you're resting now or having a great dinner or at least at peace with your self. Keep on hanging on to bob. He will not let you down but you just might not recognize it at the moment. Things get tougher before easier in my experience. That's why we have God to hang on to. He doesn't want us to have pain, but offers us his own hand to remind us of his pain and what he did for us. So glad you are getting to masses to enrich your soul. A smile on our faces makes us feel good inside and if we look in a mirror we see how others see us.
That's it for now.
Love Skipper

-K said...

Here's something to make you smile and say "go figure". I got a Felix the Cat clock ( my birthday. One of the ones where the eyes and tail move. It's in my office. You know where that is if you want to come see it...
We need to do sushi and make nusances of ourselves again...I'll even let you recite poetry - loudly. Pick a date, I'll show up.

deanne said...

When I wonder why I suffer from depression, here is a verse that comforts ms:

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (The Message)

still praying for you.


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