gentlemen:

today is valentine's day.



while i am in favor of love and enjoy expression of same, rest assured that nothing you can say or do on that day or even the week preceding is going to buy you my favor in the bedroom.

trust me, if i wish to have your companionship there, you will already know about it and you are already a frequent traveler to that land of delights.

i am sick to death of the mass marketing and raised unrealistic expectations about this one fraught holiday and its assumptions about gender normative behaviors, the spiraling cycle of profit from the hopes and disappointments of both men and women, and the underlying subtext of sex in exchange for gifts.

THAT said, i am not against romance. life is too shot not to throw yourself into lavish romance EVERY. DAMN. DAY. and not just on my birthday or for some holiday manufactured by the greeting card and jewelery industries for the exploitation of your insecurities about us.

i do not presume to speak for all women when i say this, but television has us wrong. you do not have to spend piles of money to make us feel loved and respected, and you do not have to come up with something special for the day, especially since  (this is true if i have given you a second thought) you often come up with something special just because it's tuesday.

so here's my handy gift guide to help you guys out.

flowers:

• unless you have noticed that i keep cut flowers around the house, don't bother.
• same with potted plants.
• try these: duct tape roses.

chocolate:

•  do not pester me with those horrid little boxes of filled chocolates.  if you insist on buying me chocolates, GO TO A REPUTABLE CHOCLATIER and buy me something they make. if you are wealthy, buy me a lot of them.  if you are an average joe, two or three will be fine.
• even bar chocolate is acceptable, if you know how to find good bar chocolate. what i'm saying here is that i know chocolate and if you're going to bother with chocolate, make the effort to find chocolate that i will want to eat.

jewelry:

• don't bother going to jared.  i don't kare how you spell "kiss", and no matter what jane symour says, mass produced bling is NOT a personal statement of love. it is not a personal statement of love unless you designed or made it yourself. some guys do this. props to them.
• you know those little earring backs? the little doodads that keep post earrings from falling off? i'm always losing mine. if you were an observant intimate companion of mine, you would know this and you might stop off at the craft store and buy me a bag of spares for something like $5.

dining:

• i'm pretty happy with an evening at home.  if you have the skills and inclinaton, we could make something special together.
• if you really want to take me out,  it doesn't have to be expensive. a really good hotdog is just as good to me as anything a chef will send from the kitchen. what will matter to me is that you took the trouble to take me somewhere to have me taste something AWESOME.

dancing:

• take me to a contradance.

sporting goods:

• yes, sporting goods. you have to know which sports though. some of my favorite gifts are sporting goods.

tl;dr:

BAD: anything that looks like you're trying to impress, fulfill a social obligation, or get into my bed.
GOOD: anything that shows you care about me, not just today, but EVERY. DAMN. DAY.