two-fifths done, but half dead.

so a couple of weeks ago when i was standing at the top of belknap mountain i felt as if i was going to be better. i wanted to be all better, i wanted it to be true.

so it's been kind of hard for me that i'm oscillating in and out of depression. and i get in this really dangerous state where i just don't care and i think i'm going to suicide just because. no particular reason, and i simply don't care. it's probably the most dangerous state of all.

but i wanted so much to have been all better. i wanted so much for it to have been true. i could not admit it to anyone and left it half-whispered here, in the hidden corners of my soul.

but i've been going about living as if i'm all better, and sometimes it helps. i feel like i'm taking my life back by force.

i've been out caching a lot; i've had some really good days. days that are joyful and fully in sunshine. days that are easy and good and i am so far from the center of all that pain that sometimes i cry just out of thankfulness to be alive.

so. last week running i set a new PR on the course by nearly a full two minutes, which is quite a significant improvement.

but it's been hot lately and i don't do so well with hot weather. a couple of nights ago the heat and probably some other things combined t give me the kind of nightmares that not only keep me up all night, but are so sickening that i'm caught in swirling nausea that's hard to shake.

sometimes on nights like that i send out a lot of email, not necessarily cogent. i sent notes to rumblestrip at 11:19, 12:42, 3:02, 3:42, 5:14, 5:31, and 6:42. then i fell asleep and stayed that way until noon. then i was up for an hour or two and then staggered back to bed, collapsing on it sideways and remaining inert for another couple of hours.

yesterday afternoon i kind of felt like playing russian roulette. when i'm in a mood, often a hard, punishing ride is just the thing. on a hot day, i don't even notice that it is a hot day, and when i get off the bike, no matter what happens, nothing will feel worse than being on a hard climb.

but i was kind of hoping to get run over, maybe. not in the amusing way that i was run over on route two in richmond all those years ago and got only a pressure blister to show for it (i have a small quarter-sized scar on my left elbow), but the real deal. splattered. and it would look like an accident, too. so i left the house and started to ride.

wasn't sure if i had enough daylight to complete the route. wanted to leave it to chance. when we ride our huntington time trial, we ride up from pretty close to center huntington to where the main road ends at mccullough turnpike. it's pretty steep in places, too.

and i decided to do this ride, except i decided to start down in Jonesville.

but the thing happened that often happens when i am out on a punishing ride: it restored my will to live. so instead of turning right on rout 17 and coming back through hinesburg, i turned around and came back down the gore road.

it's a fabulous ride, especially now that there's fresh new pavement. big gear. pedal where i can. stay out on the bars. stay aero. and go fast.

i didn't have my computer on, but i know from the feel of it that i was egregiously in violation of the speed limit for a lot of that descent. it's the one place where being fat is an advantage. if you can haul your fat butt to the top of it you can hurtle down. no hesitation. no brakes. and i'm particularly lucky in that all of my bikes have fast hubs.

but i got just above center huntington and i'd lost the light. i don't have so much as a reflector on my bike. sure, i have all kinds of lights, none of which i have brought with me. and i no longer feel like taking my chances.

so i call up rumblestrip and ask if she will meet me in huntington and cart me safely down to jonesville. i'm pretty close to texas hill road, so that's where she picked me up. i only mention it because it's marked on the map, in case you're the sort of person who wants to see exactly how far i went.

and i owe rumblestrip a huge apology because i have deliberately put myself in a dangerous situation and then asked her to bail me out. i think she is too happy that i WANT to be bailed out to care, really.

i got home and made myself a nice piece of fish under some bearnaise sauce and some sweet corn and some of rumblestrip's pickled beets. very fine, those.

at the end of the day i had some terse words with bob. sometimes i am not a quiet, gracious child. sometimes i rage and rail.

and i did.

what is the point, i demanded, to all this suffering? huh? every day i come and ask you to be made your good servant, to do your work, to hold your strength in my hands, to do good in this world. and what i get in return is pain. a LOT of pain. am i maybe asking the wrong questions? should i be asking for pain abatement? and what about (proper name), who is always in pain? what did she do to deserve THAT? can you back off on that, please? can you send her some comfort? what can i do to help? and while we're on the topic, what about (proper name) who does not seem to be able to recognize that she is loved? well, she gets it intellectually, but not down deep. and she always assumes fault. can you work a little on that for me, please?

all right. i'm going to trust that there is some meaning to this.

and i said my usual parting words and went to bed.

so today i went out to run a few errands and do a little light caching with crashco. some light shopping, i needed some bloodwork, he had an appointment with an insurance adjuster. and then we had to pick up mrs. crashco (it surprises some people to learn that i am not mrs. crashco and maybe someday later i'll tell you a story about some funny rumors that were being spread by a small little person with too much time on her hands), and go out to the race venue.

let me tell you, i could still feel yesterday's ride up in my glutes and it was still pretty warm and i was not looking forward to running a 5k out in the field, on the hillside. but then we got out there and even though we ran in the woods last week they had us in the woods again, and that made me glad.

a few years ago on july 3d or 4th they had us out in the field at a temperature in excess of 100 degrees and that was a pretty painful race.

anyway.

rumblestrip showed up just as the race started and she paced me for probably most of the first kilometer. i told her to come back and get me at the end, when i'd have nothing left. and then for a while i was on my own.

well, not really alone. if i'm paying attention i'm never really alone. once rumblestrip leaves me i have a chance to have a few words with bob.

every step i will turn over to you. i will trust you to watch over me. all of this suffering i will offer up to you. please bless (proper name) and (proper name); help them and ease their pain.

i had a few other things to say, but i also had to keep running. it was a hard run. i was two kilometers in and i felt half dead. but i kept running. maybe it's too goofy, but i offered each stride up to God. and when you do that, you're obliged to make it your best run. there is no slacking off. crashco came out to meet me and then rumblestrip came too and they ran with me up to the chute and then sent me in. i hadn't saved anything for a sprint, but somehow i sprinted anyway.

twenty seconds faster than last week. a new PR.

it sucked everything out of me and i staggered over to the car and sat down and cried and cried.

after a while rumblestrip came and sat beside me. "you're going to be all right", she said. "it's going to be fine." i did not believe her, but she kept telling me and the warmth of it crept into my soul and maybe she's right. i don't know; i hope she is.