Friday, January 14, 2011

one-offs from the blogoshpere

i keep saying that i visit random blogs, or at least that's how i make my introductions when i make comments at blogs i've come across randomly, or how i explain to people i know in real life how it is that i come to read the blogs of hundreds of people i don't otherwise know.

nearly every blogging engine has some kind of random button you can press and voilĂ , you are reading a random blog, although i think maybe it isn't entirely a random blog, but based on some kind of algorithm that considers where you were when you started, but that's not where i was going with this post (oooh, look, a SQUIRREL!)

anyway, i was thinking about all the blogs i look at once and never return to and thought maybe i'd do a little piece on those. in preparation i spent an hour or two hitting "random" buttons and taking notes.

so, gentle, reader, here are the blog characteristics that will make me click through faster than the preacher's kid leaves the party when the sheriff shows up.

  • your formatting hurts my eyes. i won't bother to look for content i like here. i don't care how clever you are, or how deep your thoughts are. it really is that simple.
  • your page is not written in any language i understand. i don't insist on english, especially in photo captions where i can make do in several languages, but if you aren't writing in a language i understand, you don't care if i read it, anyway.
  • you are using the blog as the home page for your business. fine. i have no objection to it, but unless you also provide some entertaining content or unless it's a business i'm interested in, i won't be reading it. i realize that for you it's a smart business choice in terms of a free web presence, but it's just a bad fit for me as an entertainment source. best of luck to you, though.
  • your blog is so cluttered with gadgets that you have no room for any content.
  • your blog is nothing more than a regurgitation of cute things you saw at someone else's blog.
  • you haven't updated your blog since 2009, and that was only to mention that you're amazed that you still get hits, since you hadn't written anything since 2007.
  • your blog is made only of pictures, and none of them are labeled, captioned, or explained in any way. they are also not very interesting pictures.
  • your blog contains the words "please vote for this (whatever) every day".
  • i scroll down the page a LONG time, i mean a really, really LONG time and i can't figure out what you're on about. is that your band? your favorite band? your brother's wedding? some guys from school? some random pictures? i think you want me to think something about it is awesome, but i just don't get it. can you give me some more information? any information? what's this post about? i keep scrolling, but i don't get any more information out of any other posts. at this point i'm only looking to try to figure out because i know i'm going to be writing about it later in the day and i want to be sure that you're as totally opaque as you appear to be at first glance. in you case, i guess, the blog is about not communicating anything, not even a mood. i'm just guessing about the awesome thing. 
  • your blog wants me to know NOW, NOW, NOW some amazing facts i need to know about Jesus. let me tell you, pal, if i need to know those things about Jesus that quick, your blog is not going to be His chosen venue.
  • your blog is one more cookie-cutter cute craft mommie blog about your perfect beautiful kids and your perfect hubby that you "wuv" so much and the great bounty of the Lord and all that because while i believe you love your husband and kids and God and all that and that you like crafts there are a lot of people out there writing about it more genuinely than you and by the time it gets to you it's old news anyway so you might as well bring to the table what you bring to the table, which is you, yourself, unvarnished, the way you are.
  • your blog is full of this week's internet meme.
  • your blog is mostly made up of social media buttons. if you have nothing to say here, why would i follow you anywhere else?
and the biggest reason i run very fast, never to return:
  • your blog has auto-play music.


Mad Jack said...

I can't find anything to add to that. I'm a content user, meaning that if you want me to read your blog you must be able to write. I'll accept writing augmented by pictures and the occasional video, but the focus must be on the written word.

That being the case, I've run across several blogs written by authors for authors, and for the life of me I cannot determine what is going on. What do these people smoke?

Karen Kaye said...

I completely agree! As soon as the music starts, I'm outta there. Your whole list is excellent and I hope that bloggers use it as a "what not to do"...

JLR said...


It's like you read my mind. Especially the music thing.

I only have one more: I'm not a grammar nazi, but I get tired reading blogs written by people who put commas in weird places. I can deal with people who don't use commas when they should--it's just a blog, not a journal article. But people who frequently add, commas when, they don't really, go there confuse the, heck out of, me. It hurts.

flask said...

jlr: no, don't even get me started on the comma or -buh-buh-bummmmmmm- the apostrophe.

i would like to tell you i have never interrupted an intimate moment to comment on the proper use of the semicolon, but i'd be lying.


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