Saturday, June 23, 2012

without explanation

right. so i answered the ad from the classifieds and i was pretty sure i was applying for the 2d chair percussion position with the fenneq regional symphony which is just one step above the outer balzare municipal band, but i recently took a bath when the plank market tanked and i needed a job.

so i put on my pinstripe suit and everything and show up with my briefcase of mallets and my repertoire of orchestral excerpts but i got there and it's a dumpy hotel suite out by eastern approach and the place stinks of stale pumpkin ale and this purple hair person is passed out in the corner.

"excuse me? i'm here for the percussion position?", i say, and all i hear is some broken laughter or maybe racking sobs coming from under the bed and purple hair waves a hand peremptorily in my direction and mutters 

"we already have a drummer."

and i do a double take, because this is not the fenneq regional symphony; these are the SLOTH KNOCKERS. the fucking sloth knockers.

and i'm all, like, "what?!?! no honkin' WAY!" and they laugh and someone says they like my look and asks if i do anything amusing.

"AMUSING???? how's this for amusing?" and  i play the xylophone part for the william tell overture on every glass surface i can find and for good measure i throw the TV out the window.

"if i'd KNOWN," i say with some venom, "that i was applying for a freakin' variety show, i'd have brought my soft shoes and my trombone."

"you play trombone?" purple hair asks.

"yeah, and also uilleann pipes and kazoo."

"cool. we need a trombone player."

so we all downed some wine of the dead to seal the deal and went tomato shopping with trisor.

hey, is that a sammich? 'coz i'm a little toasty for something...

*wanders off, working out a nono crash*

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