Saturday, February 02, 2013


you know, i really thought that my last  response to the spamscammer was going to lead him to write me off as a bad mark.

but no.


i am apalled. apalled and delighted. here is the text of his most recent message, along with his attached "documents":
How are you doing? Great I suppose! Thanks for choosing to do this project, you will never regret this decision you’ve made because we are truly doing the right thing. Also, thanks for the information you sent of yourself. I have now harmonized them with our record here at my bank and i have also sent the needed information to the attorney for the WILL of testament at the Probate registry, it will be ready by next week and everything will be in your name. Everything is just perfect as there’s no call for apprehension now. Everything is under control and there is absolutely no risk because our record now proves you as the valid next of kin and beneficiary to the funds I transferred to the private banking arm of CATER ALLEN PRIVATE BANK. I will be sending instructions to you with secret numbers along with an ATTACH DOCUMENT (FINAL WILL). Those shall be the information/documents you’ll be making available to the private banking arm of CATER ALLEN PRIVATE BANK for them to authenticate you as the beneficiary to the wire remittance that I made to their bank. It’s that simple.  All you need do from then onward is to always consult with me and follow my instructions as we proceed so that there won’t be any mistakes. Also, once again I expect our correspondence to be 100% CONFIDENTIAL, this is because of the nature and circumstances of this project. May I have your word(s) on that, please?
I will not attempt to contact you by phone or fax except it's very important. As a matter of caution, it’s very important that I and you are not linked in anyway except maybe on an official level. Even this email address I am contacting you with is an anonymous one that can't be traced to me in anyway. You are the only that I communicate with here as no one else has this my email address except you. For an even better understanding between us, I will like to know the following:
(1) Your occupation and how old you are?
(2) Assurance that I can get your total devotion and trust to see this through?
(3)Have you handled large amount of funds before?
(4) Do you have the ability to open strategic accounts within or outside your country for the purpose of safe guarding the funds?
(5) Can you truly keep this to yourself only? Even keep from your partner? Till we secure the funds at least. Can you do that?
Please, once again, ensure that you keep this project confidential; do not discuss it with anybody because of its nature. It's going to be our secret forever.  For your perusal and as a gesture of my sincerity and dedication to this project, I’m attaching a scanned photograph of me and also that of my international passport. Please send same of yourself too. Any ID at all will just be okay. I’m sorry but I need to be 100% sure that I’m dealing with the right person. This is for my protection please.
Yours Sincerely,

so here is my answer, along with my "license of drive" and "passport":

i am very fine, thank you for asking. i am practicing holding my breath underwater for short periods of time, say, 6.5 seconds because gelatin. it is really no choice to do this project because obviously i am heir legitimate and i could do not other thing than my to honor the memory of  deceased decedent your domicilary account client by me, mr. fabian fabian surname entering into marriage with you.
i am very happy that your records are properly harmonized and i think you will find your car keys also if you look underneath the laundry hamper where you droppend them last week. i feel so lucky that you are fully in control as i am just now going through an awkward time in which some of my leaves are falling off and my friend susan is skiing CATER ALLEN PRIVATE BANK in palau.
i am proved to be a small yeast organism WILL probate registry CATER ALLEN PRIVATE BANK auspicious totally legal no risk toaster.
beneficiary secret instruction numbers! i LOVE secret instruction numbers!!!!! can we have a secret handshake too? and a hat? it proves valid authenticate confidential and no apprehension you are.
ATTACH DOCUMENT i am so happy and also crenellated.
here are my words: woot woot meezlehooper funderthins
very simple no mistakes.
yes, please do not contact me by phone unless it is social since we are very close or if i am actually on fire and i am so glad i have sent you all my phone informations forthwith authentic #4 combination plate. you are the only one i communicate with because quite frankly i am just not that good at it and i am lucky to have found in you such a close friend and CATER ALLEN PRIVATE BANK totally legal 100% CONFIDENTIAL remittance and for greater understanding and deep intimacy between us i will tell you:
1) i am a size six angiosperm technician
2) you have my devotion and trust and please pass the lotion.
3) i was once a cashier at a large discount store and i currently have twelve united state dollar and fifty six
4) if i open a saving account at my bank my new bank will give me a toaster oven. or free checking.
5) i am very sorry. i know you said to tell no one but all my friend are in awe of your true greatness of spirit and with such champion honest man doing good in  i can only tell, tell, tell of my great fortune to finally meet you and i, mr. fabian fabian surname have written a song of your greatness which i have perform nightly in our public square for you will bring much good fortune to me and my elderly grandmother and our town, where we are preparing to unveil a statue in your honor.
of COURSE you are dealing with the right person!!! do your records not harmonize with my name? you found me by this very email, did you not? you are such a talented finder of persons that you have found me, the one and only valid next of kin and totally legal beneficiary!!!

so of course since we are to be married you here is my driver license and passport.
mr. fabian fabian surname.


Liz said...

I like to think someone busted out a dictionary for this one. Crenellated!

flask said...

liz: (by the way, congratulations, belatedly, on your new job)

sadly, no. no dictionary. "crenellated" is one of those words i love but rarely get to use, like 'crepuscular" and "gibbous".

Liz said...

I KNOW you know!!!!! I mean on the other side maybe some people were scratching their heads and trying to figure it out!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. my facebook friends liked this a lot.


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