Tuesday, November 12, 2013

let's blow things up!

i love new hampshire. really, i do. i have no idea why prostitution and heroin aren't legal in new hampshire.

when you're on the bratlleboro road in hinsdale new hampshire, it is very hard not to notice the FIREWORKS STORES!!!!!

because COME BUY FIREWORKES IN NEW HAMPSHIRE and we don't ask you if you're taking them back to your state where they're not legal.

see, now, i love fireworks. i even like 'splosions. i just don't like the way "consumer" fireworks are handled and marketed.

"lighting up backyards of america from coast to coast"? how, bout "bringing drunk guys into emergency rooms near you"? or "you didn't need those fingers, anyway"?

one company is even advertising right now that backyard fireworks "honors our military".

yeah, because the thing you neighbor who's home from the wars really wants is an evening of explosions and the smell of gunpowder over his garden. you know, because that makes him feel relaxed and comfortable and you getting drunk and setting off a bunch of explosive things in bright packages with names like "auburn touchdown","delirium", or "call the law" bring a tear to his eye with the depth of your caring and respect for his service.

so don't work toward improving veterans' benefits or anything. honor the military by buying consumer fireworks and setting them off at home.

because honor.

and penises.

really. have you LOOKED at some of that packaging?

none of that packaging is about cool chrysanthemum shells or the purity of the color of the display or the many awesome things that combine to make a really first-rate firework.

that packaging is all somehow made to make the purchaser think of manhood. james bond. football. gangsta life. apaches.

yep, there's a firework called "apache firedance".

me, i just go here.

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