Saturday, May 31, 2014

open letter to congresswoman debbie wasserman schultz

dear congressman debbie wasserman schultz,

your're an asshat.

i'm going to pause here and look up what state and district you represent.


ok, so you represent florida's 23d district. i have to go look up what district that is.


*wild laughter*

ok, setting aside that florida's 23d district is a hotbed of douchbaggery, you are an asshat.

you want to know why i've made a snap judgement about your asshattery without even knowing where you're from or what your record is? because you let the parade of criminal and loserly theatrical puppetshow directors otherwise known as the democratic congressional campaign committee use your name on one of the emails they send me every half hour.

WE KEEP EMAILING YOU, the subject line reads.

President Obama sent you an email.

Vice President Biden sent you an email.

Nancy Pelosi sent you an email.

Now I'm sending you an email.

We're emailing you because this is really important

yeah, i'll bet it's important.

suuuuure, president obama emailed me, li'l ole me, personally.
suuuure, vice president biden put his own little thoughts in an email.
suuure, nancy pelosi took time out of her busy schedule of receiving bribes to write me a few thoughts because it's really important.

and now you, congresswoman *has to look up who you are because you're just THAT much of a minor player* debbie wasserman schultz have sent me yet another email as if it's not just a pack of evil little staffers trying to raise money by setting up an imaginary epic comic book style battle against the evil koch brothers.

and granted, the evil koch brothers are evil, but between the abrogation of civil rights and the wholesale selling of public resources and surveillance and the TPP and all that crap you democrats are trying to ram down our throats, i don't see much of a difference between you and the evil koch brothers and their pet boehner, except that those guys don't send me an email every half hour asking me to send MONEY THAT WILL BE TRIPLE MATCHED!!!!

tell you what, ineffective pawn of the campaign committee debbie wasserman schultz, since you guys have bags of money just waiting to triple match my gift, why don't you just take THAT pile of money and feed it to your pals at the democratic corruption committee?

you guys keep mentioning that your records indicate that you have received no donations from me.

how clever of you to notice.

oh, but wait!!!! some previously unheard-of congresswoman from florida -FLORIDA!- has added her name to the list of crooks and losers asking me for money. this changes EVERYTHING. quick! it's debbie wasserman schultz! get the checkbook!!

*loud hysterical laughter*

i'm sorry. i just don't even have a way to close this. you're an asshat, congresswoman debbie wasserman schultz.

an asshat and a patsy.

love, flask

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