Wednesday, July 04, 2012

value size

dear kingsford charcoal,

i really admire your nerve. really.

it's a gutsy move to put six pounds less charcoal in the same size bag and call it "value size".

six pounds! in the same bag! then you bundle it up as a two pack (total loss twelve pounds out of forty) and sell it at a higher price.

so now not only do we pay more, but we GET LESS!

that IS an awesome value!

i imagine that soon you will introduce some swell innovations over at the kingsford charcoal plant and if you haven't already thought of them, allow me to suggest:

  • the ultra-value pack, in which you offer ONE kingsford charcoal briquette in that same bag and charge a little more for it than you did for the former 20 pound bag.
  • rental opportunities for the consumer, because let's face it: nobody really wants to cook anything anyway. we just want to be able to say we have large bags of kingsford charcoal, so you could rent (on an hourly basis) the former twenty pound bag, stuffed with packing peanuts or other non-charcoal filler. imagine our savings!
  • offer consumers the opportunity to purchase coupons that will entitle them to bring their own twenty pound bag and fill it with five pounds of kingsford charcoal. be sure to charge for parking at the kingsford charcoal plant.
  • lease workstations at the kingsford charcoal plant to workers who will then pay YOU for the privilege of tossing two pounds of charcoal in the former twenty pound bag. bill workers for equipment use. define "equipment" in such a way as to include air and ambient light.
i look forward to next grilling season, when we all get to see how kingsford charcoal will implement new and creative value-packed ideas.

love, flask.

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